FOUND: pink silk underwear with black lace lining and bows.

Wanted: Owner of aforementioned underwear.  You happened to leave these in a very suggestive place, that being midway up the back stairs to my apartment. Do you realize that this is how most movies that air after midnight on Cinemax begin? I’m fairly certain you were not leaving a trail, for I did not find a bra in the hallway. I’m also fairly certain they didn’t just fall off, and they looked too clean to have fallen from your laundry basket.  Rest assured, I did not touch them.  There’s no way I’m getting fingerprints on what could possibly become incriminating evidence in a trial of perversion and stairape. Kindly remove them from this absurd location and let my imagination rest. If they’re still there in the morning, I’m calling the cops.