December 2009
1 post
1 tag
November 2009
2 posts
copycats:
Umi Says by Dasha originally by Mos...
2 tags
Dear Dad,
It is unlikely that I will even open your forwarded emails if they are titled any of the following:
To My Conservative Friends… American Socialism American Marxism American Communism Obamunism You Might Be A Redneck If
Thanks, Your Son
October 2009
12 posts
3 tags
3 tags
5 tags
copycats:
Girl From The North Country by M....
2 tags
Coffee Talk
Dear Downtown Orlando,
I need to talk to you about coffee. I’m just coming off a rough relationship with Starbucks. I’m not proud of it. Hell, I don’t even know how it started, but for a while it was the easiest place to get a cup of coffee. It wasn’t ever really that good, but it must have been laced with crack, because I kept drinking that shit for weeks, months. ...
2 tags
“Love is funny thing / You don’t know it’s real / Until it’s...”
– Reigning Soul, random band via Pandora’s M. Ward station
3 tags
5 tags
Jaywalking in Parramore
I just realized how funny this post could be, if it were some kind of parody of Jay Leno’s Jay Walking, with white-ass Jay being chased out of the ghett. And yet, this is not a funny post, but more of a sad one. I was putting up fliers for a children’s book giveaway in Parramore today and, as usual, traffic was light. So I was walking back and forth across the streets without the...
2 tags
Beer as an Outlet for Blame
Bass - when you wanna get some ass Guiness - when you’re gettin’ down to buiness Shocktop - when you wanna get focktop
1 tag
Unintentional Pun
Suntrust Commercial: But that's more like... our opinion.
Me: M--
Chelsea: Man.
Me: You stole the "man" right outta my mouth.
Chelsea: That's disgusting.
1 tag
All Timers
Reggie: I'm gettin' that all-timers disease.
Julia: Do you take fish oil?
Reggie: Girl, I'm a fish.
Julia: Huh?
Reggie: March second.
Julia: Oh you're a Pisces.
Reggie: I love fish.
Julia: ...
Reggie: Fish sticks.
Julia: ...
Reggie: Captain Gordon.
1 tag
“You guys wanna get a Bud? Fuckin’ A right buddy.”
– ~Reggie’s impersonation of a white man
September 2009
20 posts
Dear Dad,
I much prefer your forwarded emails about restaurants with gross sexual puns for names than the inevitably negative forwards about Obama.
Love, Son
LOL :) ~ The Lost Verse
Not long ago, the rapper Trey Songz recorded a track featuring Gucci Mane and Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em called “LOL :)” (or “LOL Smiley Face”). After weeks in the studio, a hit was born, however, its length was not conducive to the time contraints of corporate radio. In the interest of commerce, art was sacrificed and, counter to the creative process, it was not the worst...
Hypem - The Cure vs Lil Wayne →
Some DJ at Spy Bar used Close to Me as a beat for a Busta Rhymes rap. This might be better. It’s damn close.
pete3:
yah…that just happened
Dear Tumblarity,
Up ya nose widda rubba hose!
Cordially, #49,348 in the USA
iFrustrated
How many Apple Genius Bar employees does it take to solve a Mac issue?
.5
How many Apple Genius Bar employees does it take to ring up a purchase that is tax exempt?
5
“Chicks can’t resist what I kick. They be beggin’ for attention or...”
– ~Gangstarr
Fumblr.
Not being on the computer all weekend was certainly worth the dramaitic decline in my Tumblarity.
If you are not aware, I’m positively soaring...
3 tags
“Eiw that thing is huge. I’m going to puke.”
– ~Chelsea, out of context
2 tags
Hipster Ethics 101
Hipsters have no ethics. Class dismissed.
3 tags
4 tags
Imaginary Interaction #643
Me: [setting a hoodie on the Zoo York checkout counter]
Kanye-West-Looking-Teen-Behind-The-Register: [smarmy look like what you doin' here?]
Me: What?
KWLTBTR: Nothin'.
Me: Why are you looking at me funny?
KWLTBTR: [adjusts his straight-brimmed sideways hat ten degrees left]
Me: I know Ecko bought out Zoo York but...
KWLTBTR: [brushes dust off track-jacket shoulder]
Me: I was skateboarding before your motherfuckin' ass was born motherfucker. Now sell me this motherfuckin' hoodie before I take it!
KWLTBTR: Real talk.
Me: I'm sayin'.
3 tags
Tele-exhibitionism
From my front porch I can see into the living room across the street. I can see that they have an 80” flatscreen. If you didn’t know about this giant TV, you’d think there was a naked woman walking around in plain sight. I don’t know what would be more embarrassing, being seen naked or airing my taste in porn to the neighborhood. It’s the televisual equivalent of...
2 tags
3 tags
Q:
At what point does your status change from living alone to dying alone?
3 tags
FOUND: pink silk underwear with black lace lining...
Wanted: Owner of aforementioned underwear. You happened to leave these in a very suggestive place, that being midway up the back stairs to my apartment. Do you realize that this is how most movies that air after midnight on Cinemax begin? I’m fairly certain you were not leaving a trail, for I did not find a bra in the hallway. I’m also fairly certain they didn’t just fall off,...
2 tags
The College of Ed.
It is a nasty habit to imagine how people will look and act when they’re old. Walking through UCF’s new college of education complex, I could not help but imagine all the beautiful girls morphing over the years into shrivelled and bitter kindergarten teachers. The bitter comes from dealing with stupid parents and school beaurocracy. The shrivelled, however, is due to the lascivious...
3 tags
Counter Intelligence
Middle Schooler: [peering confusedly between menu and Barista]
Barista: Mocha is really tasty.
Middle Schooler: Okay, what is a small?
Barista: Tall.
Middle Schooler: Okay, can I have a tall... what is the frozen one?
Barista: Frappuccino.
Middle Schooler: Okay, can I have a tall, mocha, frappuccino?
Barista: Sure.
Middle Schooler: [pays, stands in place]
Barista: You can pick it up over there sweetie.
Middle Schooler: Okay.
Me: I'm afraid my order is uncomplex.
Barista: She's learning.
Me: What IS a "skinny" anyway?
Barista: She's learning to be high maintenance.